Man’s vs woman’s job in a couples relationship

What are men’s jobs and what are women’s jobs? Sometimes couples argue on this subject and each one tries to impose their perspective, believing that they are right. The topic appears quite often in my psychotherapy private practice.

My impression is that this perspective of men’s jobs vs women’s jobs, while it may have worked in the past, doesn’t really work anymore. In our times, jobs are no longer exclusively women’s or men’s, but are vocational or assumed.

That is, what makes one of the two take on a particular chore is an internal predisposition rather than the person’s gender.

Choosing tasks according to vocation

If a man has a personality which makes him feel comfortable cooking, mopping or taking care of children, he may very well do these things. Especially if he is in a relationship with a woman who is comfortable to be the one who is “bringing the money in the house”. If a man chooses to do all these so-called women’s jobs, that doesn’t mean he’s less of a man than the one who does not do them. I don’t think that’s what manhood is measured with.

If a woman has a job that brings her a lot of money, she may very well be the one bringing the (big part of the) money in the household. If the woman brings the money into the house, this does not mean that she is less of a woman than those who do not do this, or that her man is not a (real) man.

On the other hand, life requires us to do certain things simply because they have to be done, not necessarily because we like doing them. Here, the situation gets complicated. Here it is no longer a question of vocation or gender, but a question of assumption.

Choosing tasks based on needs

If neither of the two likes to clean.. well, the cleaning won’t do itself! And then the couple must assume this aspect. For their common good, the cleaning must be done!

I think it is wrong that in this context the woman is sometimes sent to do the cleaning just because she is a woman and cleaning is a woman’s job. Such an approach can do a lot of harm to a couple’s relationship.

The correct approach is: we made the mess together, we are going to remove it together. Or, I do the cleaning and you do another thing from the to-do list (which none of us likes doing).

It is important to find a common ground. And this common ground cannot be found if we remove ourselves from the equation by saying that this job is not for men or women. Each of us also has the complementary side in us. Men have a feminine side and women have a masculine side. When a situation asks for it, we can use the other side, even if it is not very well developed (yet!).

Why can’t a woman be a firefighter, car mechanic or a soldier? Why can’t a man be a kindergarten teacher, a maid, or a secretary? Or even a “housewife”, for that matter!

So, here is my perspective on this topic! 🙂 What is your perspective? How does the “man’s vs woman’s job” mentality affect you and your relationship?